yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
