If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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