I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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