Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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