I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My life is pants optional.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
