I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
