I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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