She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Enjoy the penises
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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