Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
