So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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