I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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