MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
