I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
