Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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