I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
