my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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