please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
