why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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