Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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