I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
