i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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