I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
