i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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