This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
