how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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