Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
