She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
