you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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