i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
