hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
