My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
