i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
