My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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