someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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