i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
In other news, I just burned my penis
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
