On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
