i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Randomize
