Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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