I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
