i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
