remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
