I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just pee around me
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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