hotel room ftw
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
