Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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