your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
