Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he was CRYING into my vagina
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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