apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
