I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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