I'm going to jail i love you
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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