I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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