He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
