...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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