I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
If I die, sorry about rent.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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